i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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