the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
