what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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