Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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