I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
