Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
