Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
