Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
