When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
