my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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