I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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