I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
