I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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