You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
