Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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