2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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