i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
