90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
