my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
