the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
