toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
