Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
