the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
