Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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