I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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