I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I FOUND THE LEGS
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
