really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
