We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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