i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
