Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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