Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
