pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
