OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
