First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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