ya dads aren't the best wingmen
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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