dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
