someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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