I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
