Need sex. Gaining weight.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
