$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
