it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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