before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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