Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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