i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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