If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
