I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
