So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
