At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I want to fling myself into the sun
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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