I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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