I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
