Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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