you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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