ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
