fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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