we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
